HAPPY NEW LIFE, NEFFY!

VICTOR LIAPIN

Translated by Ivan Lyapin

«You should just love these people. And love endures everything”.

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Email: snybegemota@yandex.ru

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THE CHARACTERS:

Daniil Chetvergov, the owner of the apartment

Lyudmila Sergeevna, his guest and his boss

Stepan Vatagin, Chetvergov’s uncle, from the country

It’s Chetvergov’s flat. It’s New Year’s Eve. Daniil and Lyudmila are laying the holiday table. A quiet happy New Year’s party is coming, and Daniil strongly intends to declare himself during that.

CHETVERGOV. Lyudmila Sergeevna!...

LYUDMILA. Just Lyudmila!... We’re not at work… Forget, at last, that I’m your boss and you’re my subordinate… And then. After all today’s New Year’s Eve… And I … I personally said yes on your invitation…

CHETVERGOV. Yeah-yeah!... Sure, Lyudmila Sergeevna!... I mean, sure, Lyudmila!...

… How beautiful you are today! ... Your shapely arms!...

LYUDMILA. When a woman has nothing to compliment, she’s praised for her arms…

CHETVERGOV. What a nonsense, Lyudmila Sergeevna! … I didn’t want to say this way… I didn’t mean this…

LYUDMILA. Drop it!... Here, as I can see, not enough fruit, there – we can place “the dressed herring”. Yeah, here it is!... The table is done!...

CHETVERGOV. If only you knew how nervous I am!... How trembling is my heart!... We know each other three months and now, at last…

... Champagne?! Champagne in this case!

LYUDMILA. But it’s too early.

CHETVERGOV. Tell you as it is, without champagne I’ll be tongue-tied!... I’ll be boring and tedious and … and… will say nothing!...

LYUDMILA. Well, except for you not to feel so … shy!...

Chetvergov pours the champagne. They clink glasses. Chetvergov drinks at one draught. Then hiccups.

CHETVERGOV. (Hiccups) I’m sorry!... It’s with excitement!... (Hiccups)

LYUDMILA. Chase with a rye bread!...

Chetvergov chases but still keeps on having the hiccups.

LYUDMILA. You’re so awkward…

CHETVERGOV. (Hiccups) I’m sorry!... It’s gonna cease! … (Hiccups) For God’s sake!...

The doorbell determinately rings.

LYUDMILA. Have you invited anyone else?...

CHETVERGOV. No. (Hiccups) And you?...

LYUDMILA. How could I have invited anyone to your house?...

The doorbell rings even more determinately.

CHETVERGOV. It’s a mistake!... I’ll be right there!...

Chetvergov goes open the door.

At the door there is his uncle from the country, Stepan Vatagin. The uncle stands swaying. He is disheveled and red. He’s, obviously, already become sozzled.

VATAGIN. Neffy! … Danilka, damn! I call, I call!... I even thought you’re not at home!...

Well, hello, barbarian!... Receive the uncle! Kiss me harder, why are slavering me like a woman?!..

Vatagin gets undressed in the hall.

VATAGIN. I’ve had a run-in with Katerina!... She’s a dissident!... I’d choke all the women!... “You’re damned wretch, I thought, take that – I’ll go Danilka! He’ll be glad! We’ll meet the New Year beach bunny!” I hardly caught the last train! …

Vatagin barges in the room.

VATAGIN. Oh! … You have a lady here!... Let me put on the glasses!... (He puts the glasses on and examines Lyudmila)

…Erm… hrmph… Well, okay… I’m Stepan, Danilka’s uncle! ... I’ve raised him, may be said, instead of father!... He owes me so much, rascal!...

LYUDMILA. Lyudmila.

Vatagin admiringly views the table.

VATAGIN. You are a one, neffy!... Good stuff that!... Are you stealing?...

CHETVERGOV. (Hiccups) Don’t tell me so, uncle!.. After all, it’s holiday!...

VATAGIN. I do not condemn!... Steal, but not be caught by the authority!... (To Lyudmila) He’s got used to theft from the childhood!... If he sees that something lies in a temptation way – he grabs at once!... I beat him mercilessly! With everything I could!... And no result!...

CHETVERGOV. (Hiccups) What are you talking about, uncle?!... Where does it all come from?!...

VATAGIN. What am I talking about?... About the truth!... I get used to telling the truth, buddy. (To Lyudmila) Like, for example, I see, you lack two teeth, you have a squint in the eye and your skin is slack. And so what? Shit happens! After all, it’s not me who’ll lead you down the aisle. While Danilka maybe won’t look closer!... No, no, you don’t blush, everyone is imperfect…

For example, Danilka… He’s running after girls since he was knee-high to a duck, but he still can’t get married!... We put him off even old bones!... You know, there are some robust crones… They lived with him a week and then kicked him away!... Such a bad luck!... “We don’t need – they said – your epileptical impotent.” And that’s that! “And take your money away!”

… Maybe, he’ll be luckier in city. You see, he’s lost to all sense of honour…

Why’ve you paled, Danilka?... (To Lyudmila) You know, sometimes he has attacks. He doesn’t have a clue.

… Have a drink?... Have a drink, Danya! It’ll do good!

They drink. Vatagin gets absolutely pie-eyed. Lyudmila’s gloomily piddling. Chetvergov’s perplexedly having the hiccups.

VATAGIN. Lyuda!... (Lyudmila is silent) … Lyuda!...

LYUDMILA. What do you want?...

VATAGIN. So you try to harness him?... Well, yeah… You’d hardly find someone better…

…Why not? … Go for it!... I, as a folk, approve… But I wanna ask: where is my profit?!... You forgot about me, didn’t you?!...

(Crying) … You bastard, Daniil!... You’ve turned out to be such a bugger! I cherished a snake in bosom!... We’re starving there, can’t buy a bread crust – everything’s for Danilka, he shouldn’t live worse that others in the city!... And you?!...

You, Lyudmila, work with him, doesn’t you? Right?... As what?... Higher than this bonehead?... Higher?... I knew it!... Well, in this case, Danya, I’ll tell her all about you, as it is!!!... I’ll conceal nothing!...

CHETVERGOV. (Shouts) Shut up, uncle!!!

VATAGIN. He… He… (Cramming food into the mouth, laughing) … he, if only sees a female boss – gets into her pants at once!...

CHETVERGOV. What???... How dare you?!... Where did you take that?... My foot! Do not believe him, Lyudmila Sergeevna!... Ravings of a drunk madman!...

VATAGIN. He lives at rumpy-pumpy with female chiefs!... He was kicked away from every office in the country!... (He tips back in the chair) … Pooh! I’ve stuffed myself! Have to breathe heavily!... Yeah!.. He’s unstable, they said, so changeable!...

CHETVERGOV. Do not believe a word, Lyuda!... This’s all from love!... He doesn’t know what he’s saying!...

(To Vatagin) Get out of here!!! Get out!... You…, you …, you’re no uncle to me!... You’re an impostor!...

VATAGIN. (Calmly) What’s with you, Danya? … Angry with me?... You shouldn’t be angry with the truth… And where I can go to? I’ve no place to go to… I’ve come to visit my nephew.

LYUDMILA. Then it’s me who gets out!... (She jumps on her feet)

CHETVERGOV. No!!!... Never!!!...

LYUDMILA. Hands off!... Do not touch me!... Mean person! Careerist! (Cries) … Blackguard!... The same as your uncle!...

Lyudmila rushes to the door. Chetvergov’s following her.

CHETVERGOV. Lyudmila Sergeevna! This is a mistake!...

The doors bang. Furious Chetvergov rushes back into the room. Vatagin’s peacefully sitting at the table.

VATAGIN. Oh, Danyukha! Sit here!... Are you worry about it? Ah, come on!... The chime is coming… Thank God, we’ve got rid of yours… A good beginning of the year makes the whole year good!... I’ve told fortune: meet the year without women – and will be happy for the rest of life! … The same to you – no trouble, no attacks.

…On a good note she wouldn’t go. It’s the same with my Katerina. I’ve rescued you from serfdom, Danilka… You’ll lick my boots, you’ll see. At least once in life we can celebrate the New Year humanly, without blood-sucking!... Oh, I felt sad, you know, but now I’m cheerful, warmed up!...

… Hear! The chime! Danila! Such a joy!... Well, Happy New Year, neffy, Happy New Life!...

Why don’t you clink glasses with me, pig?...

THE CURTAIN