MUMSIE WITH LORGNETTE
VICTOR LIAPIN
MUMSIE WITH LORGNETTE
Translated by Ivan Lyapin
«You should just love these people. And love endures everything”.
Contact the author at:
Email: snybegemota@yandex.ru
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/victor.liapin
Site: http://lit.lib.ru/editors/l/ljapin_w_w/
THE CHARACTERS:
Maxim Belenkiy, a civil cervant
Nataly Goloborodova, a lonely lady of 40
Nadezhda Leopoldovna, her mother
A typical one-room-“Khrushchev-era”-flat. The corner is fenced off with drawn curtains, the mother’s sleeping behind them. The furnishing of the room is quite… meager. Alack.
Belenkiy and Goloborodova almost flew into the room on the wings of love.
NATALY. (Excited and perplexed simultaneously, with a bunch of flowers in her hands) … Maxim, it is so unexpectedly!... We just met – and straight to me!... Please, take a sit here… (She sits him down; then she peers behind the curtains, so as Belenkiy wouldn’t notice, and makes certain that the mother’s sleeping)
… I didn’t count on it… It’s so untidy here… And all that… You’re so persistent! So persistent!... The restaurant was pretty nice, wasn’t it?... Ah, flowers! A weakness of mine!...
MAXIM. (Takes his suit off, loosens the tie) … Nataly, dear! All flowers of the world will be yours! … (Pulls out a bottle of champagne from a briefcase and puts it on a coffee table; doesn’t know where to put his briefcase) … You know, there are documents of much value here… Work, work twenty-four hours a day… Even Japanese never dreamed…
… Seize the moment for a rendezvous with the Fair Lady – and again into the deep end of business… Danger, risk, constant se… erm… stress!... (Pulls out a gas gun from a pocket) … Don’t be afraid. It’s gas! … My head costs so much… (Examining the photo of a boy on the table) … Son?...
NATALY. … Son… Timur… At summer camp… Quiet boy…
MAXIM. And father?... Though, it’s obvious. I identify single women at a glance. Without mistake.
… So!.. Raise glasses to our love?... Ah, you are so far from me! … Almost lyrics…
They drink.
MAXIM. … It’s so hot here … (Takes his shirt off)
NATALY. (Embarrassed) What’re you doing, Maxim Leonidiovich? … Really! I don’t know…
MAXIM. But what? … It’s hot! … And, all in all, I like to drink champagne in a bed.
He takes off his shoes and socks.
MAXIM. …Have you ever been to … Canaries?...
NATALY. …No… Certainly not…
MAXIM. The day comes, and I’ll take you far away from here… Somewhere to Canaries… or Florida… Miami Beach!... (Pours them champagne and moves closer to Nataly)
… The sun is hot, the salt water of the Atlantic! … I’ll take a yacht… - no, pleasure boat’s better! – and we’ll split along right to the ocean!... Around us - dolphins, sharks!... Ahead, on the horizon – looming Cuba!... Coast Guard are in panic!... But we’re happy, we’re drunk from our freedom!...
NATALY. My God! … So nice…
He touches her on the blouse.
MAXIM. Is it cotton or silk?...
NATALY. (Embarrassed) Not so fast, Maxim… Not so fast…
MAXSIM. …Buttoned?... With poppers?...
… Oh, I’m a romantic, Natusya!.. You’ll feel it at once. We gonna have a wonderful evening and a miraculous night.
NATALY. Do you want to stay here, with me?
MAXIM. Forever. And only with you.
NATALY. But where is your home?...
MAXIM. I have no home… I have only a briefcase, a gas gun and you, my star.
NATALY. (Timidly) …But the ring?...
MAXIM. I eloped, I left my wife for you.
NATALY. But we met two hours ago.
MAXIM. Now I’m yours forever. (Kneels at the feet of her) Put out my passion, otherwise I’ll burn in my own fire.
Suddenly his eyes rest on the lorgnette that sticks out from the curtains.
Maxim stays put, then jumps to his feet, rushes to the curtains and peaks them out.
Nataly’s mother’s sitting on the bed behind the curtains, the lorgnette in her hands.
MOTHER. Morning, comrade.
MAXIM. (Shocked)… M-m-m-morning…
MOTHER. (Courtly offers her hand) Nadezhda Leopoldovna.
MAXIM. M-maxim Leonidivich…
MOTHER. (Without coming his hand away) … You’re not from cultural and educational circle, by any chance?...
MAXIM. (Trying to free his hand) … N-no…
MOTHER. (Without letting him free) … Pity. There was a time when two sweet young men from that circle hung me round… Admirers of Mayakovski!...
… Legs got numb… Old enough, you know… Carry me, please, to the water closet!... It’s a pleasure to carry a woman in your arms, isn’t it?...
NATALY. Mum!!!... What are you talking about? … Maxim Leonidovich is my guest…
MOTHER. But what am I saying? It’s not my fault that my legs refuse to go. I just ask that… (Examining Maxim through the lorgnette) … courteous young man to help me. What’s the big deal?...
She climbs on his arms, almost by force.
MOTHER. All women love when they’re carried shoulder high… But it happens with me more and more rarely… Do not stop dead!... It’s there…
NATALY. (Points embarrassedly) … There…
Maxim carries Mother to the lavatory. Comes back. Walks about the room.
Grabs the shirt, the shoes, the coat and the brief case. Sits down.
Nataly, shaking all over, looks at him. There is a sound of flushed water.
MOTHER. Young man!... Takes me back!... Where are you?...
Maxim furiously rushes to the lavatory and quickly carries Mother back.
MOTHER. Not so fast, please!... Let me enjoy it.
NATALY. What’s with you, mum? Why are you doing this?
MOTHER. (Finding herself in a bed) Thank you kindly. Go on, the young. I won’t bother you. I must sleep, as I’ve taken sedatives… Draw the curtains, please.
Maxim draws the curtains.
NATALY. Maxim Leonidovich… I beg you, don’t be mad at me. Why?... Why are you distressing yourself so?
MAXIM. (Annoyed) Why didn’t you say that there was also your mumsie in the room?!...
NATALY. I meant well… Mum always sleep so soundly… Then, you heard it, she took her pills… Now – she’s already fallen asleep…
A peaceful snoring of Mother is heard. It completely confuses Maxim.
NATALY. I beg you, stay with me… Let’s go back to Canaries. Let’s have a drink?... (She pours them champagne herself)
MAXIM. Is she really sleeping?...
NATALY. Dead above the ears.
MAXIM. (Nervously) Yes… Should have a drink.
The drink.
MAXIM. … Okay… Let’s forget it! … Natusya! It’s even more romantic now. (Laughing) “Comrade, you are not from social circle?” Ha-ha! … Funny Mumsie. Lovely Mumsie.
NATALY. It’s nice that you liked her.
Maxim hugs Nataly, unbuttons her blouse.
MAXIM. Vine turns my head… You turn my head … I can’t dam up my feelings….
The snoring behind the curtains doesn’t cease. But the lorgnette again sticks out from the curtains.
Maxim, setting Nataly on to the sofa, accidentally raises his eyes and… sees the lorgnette, directed at him, again.
He rises with a spring, rushes to the curtains and peaks them out.
Mother is sitting on the bed, snoring melodiously and looking in the lorgnette.
MOTHER. (Calmly) … I can’t get to sleep. Insomnia. You, young man, have you got insomnia?
Maxim starts running about the room, shouting something inarticulate.
NATALY. (Shout) Mum! How dare you? You’re breaking my life!
MOTHER. Stop shouting at your mother! If his feelings are serious, he’ll stomach it all. I didn’t bother you…
… And then. Shouldn’t I know who’s going to marry my daughter?
MAXIM. Mumsie!!!... God Forbid! … What marrying? (Clutches his head) O-o-o… I’m off!... (Rushes into the armchair)
NATALY. (Crying) Mum!!! … I beg you!...
MOTHER. (Offended) What’ve I done? ... I even snored…
Young man! Go, you explain to her.
MAXIM. (Shrieking) Enough!... Stop it!...
NATALY. (Desperately) Mum!!!... Maxim Leonidovich!!! …
(Crying) …Maxim Leonidovich! ... Yes. Really, I think, you’d better go now…
MAXIM. …What?... But where would I go?... Outside – it’s cold, night. For wife – I’m on business. It’s too late for a hotel. And I haven’t a bean after dinner with you!... No, thanks, I’m staying the night here.
MOTHER. That’s a boy! Pour me some champagne too.
She sees that no one’s pouring her anything, does it herself.
MOTHER. Fine fellow, Max. That’s right. You started it, and you are to finish. Decided to get married – go, get married!... Here’s my, Mother’s, blessing.
MAXIM. Why did you, Mumsie, stick to me like a burr?!... I’m here like at a railway station… Just wait through the night….
MOTHER. Excuse me! Did you tell her about Canaries?... Have you turned the girl’s head?... She’s given you all her maiden pride!
NATALY. Mum!!!
MOTHER. Chuck it, Natashka.
MAXIM. What maiden pride do you mean? She has a son at the summer camp.
MOTHER. That’s beside the point.
Suddenly Maxim’s passport turns out to be in her hands, she managed to fish it out from his coat indistinctly on the hop.
MOTHER. So, let’s have a look!... No children… One wife… We’ll divorce… Address: Kosmonavtov street, 15…
MAXIM. This is my passport!... What’re you doing?... Give it back!...
MOTHER. Take that!... My sister in law lives near there… Actually, I’m going to visit her tomorrow… And I’ll visit your wife as well… I’ll tell her, that you’re divorcing and moving to our house.
MAXIM. … But… how dare you meddle in my interior life?...
MOTHER. But what? You clapped dish at the wrong woman’s door… You thought to have a lark, swallow champagne, break the life and say goodbye, didn’t you, ah?
MAXIM. (Sobbing) Please listen…Have mercy… Let me go… I don’t want to get married… My father-in-law will kick me out of the house and bring me to court.
MOTHER. And he’ll be absolutely right… Can’t believe it, you’re an adoptee there as well…
NATALY. (Sobbing) Mum, let him go. You see, he doesn’t want to marry me.
MOTHER. (Grumbling) …Doesn’t want… Nice song… Not long ago he wanted. Where will you find one who wants, fool?
Will you become a lover, Nataly?... May be, a keptie?...
NATALY. Mum!!!... Don’t disgrace me, please.
MOTHER. What can you expect from him then?...
…At least, put your shirt on, shameless man.
MAXIM. (Putting the shirt on, rambling) …I work at the administration… In charge of the plant… Can get hold of buckets, pitch forks, rakes!... Ah?... Shovels.
MOTHER. Even a mangy sheep is good for a little wool.
Look, Natashka, what gallants we have!... Kind of disabled. I remember those two from the cultural and educational circle – oh, my God, how they read Mayakovski, how they read… Rogues!... Night after night… (Embarrassedly) So, anyway…
… Go, Maximka, put the kettle on. Insomnia. We’ll be drinking tea.
Nataly gives a sob.
MOTHER. (Calms her down) Don’t cry, Natashka. Don’t cry. Rakes? Okay, let it be rakes. None the less. Waste not, want not… Ah? Right?
THE END