VICTOR LIAPIN

 

BORED ANONYM

 

Translated by Ivan Lyapin

 

«You should just love these people. And love endures everything”.

 

Contact the author at:

Email: snybegemota@yandex.ru

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/victor.liapin

Site: http://lit.lib.ru/editors/l/ljapin_w_w/

 

 

                                                         

THE CHARACTERS:

 

Peter Antonov, a literature lover

Clavdia Antonova, his wife

Rosa Skripnik, their neighbor, Clavdia’s friend

 

The action takes place at the Antonov’s flat.

 

Scene 1

 

It’s ten p.m. Antonov is sitting at the desk and filling in his diary. Clavdia is already in bed.

 

ANTONOV. (Writing in the diary) “… Boring. It’s July – but it smells like Autumn, leaves are turning… At the age of forty it smells like Autumn even in the middle of July. But erstwhile, even in September I used to feel Summer! ...” 

… Clava, are you sleeping? ... (Silence)… Sleeping… It’s ten o’clock but she’s sleeping… And there’s no one to talk to…

… No, I must variegate our family life! … Passion, jealousy, fresh blood!... Otherwise I’ll get old before I blink…

… Feelings are fading… Lack of adrenalin… (Looks at the wife)

… Sleeping… Securely… She’d better not sleep but burn with passion, nibble pillows with jealousy! ...

… What if I write a letter! ... Say, from an anonymous friend… Yeah, why not? … Say, your husband, sorry for a wish to help, is dating with a blond bombshell of springtime and perfect upbringing… And events, by the way, while you’re sleeping, are tending towards the wedding, as, at his forty, he became very handsome for love-starved women. Not so much because of his looks as because of his pregnant mental world… So, if you do not immediately become more kind to your husband, to his intellectual requests, you would see neither head nor hair of him! …         

(Looks at the wife) … Sleeping… Showing senselessness… Well, sleep-sleep… Up to a certain time…

(Addressing the envelope) … “To highly respected Clavdia Antonova from a well-intentioned anonym. Deliver to named recipient only”.

 

    

 

Scene 2

 

Next morning. Antonov’s finishing up his coffee on foot.

 

ANTONOV. Well, I go to work. Come back for lunch.

What’ll have for lunch today, Clava?

 

CLAVDIA. Money’s run out… May be soup from kraut… May be tea…

 

Antonov’s going away, mumbling something and leaving the letter in the post-box. Clavdia, with hatred, opens the fridge door. With hatred she takes the kraut.

While Rosa Skripnik, the neighbor, is passing the Antonov’s door and spots the letter, protruding from the post-box. She reads it. She rings the doorbell. Clavdia opens.

 

ROSA. Do you have Corvalol?...

CLAVDIA. Yes… I have some… What happened?...

ROSA. Take it!... Take it more!...

CLAVDIA. Can you tell me what happened?!...

ROSA. … Sit down…

CLAVDIA. (Aghast) …Dacha burned-out???...     

ROSA. … Worse…

CLAVDIA. …What?!...What?!...What?!...

ROSA. … Here…Read.

 

Clavdia reads the letter. Weeps. Savagely tears the letter to pieces.

 

CLAVDIA. … Scoundrel!... Usurper!... Rascal!...

ROSA. … We should do something… We should do something…

CLAVDIA. What should we do, Rosa?... What can we do?...

ROSA. Who’s the owner of the flat?

CLAVDIA. He is, tyrant.

ROSA. I told you, I told you not once. I registered mine in the country right away.

CLAVDIA. And he left you right away.

ROSA. But I’ve got the flat.

CLAVDIA. … Oh, my, my!... And what can he do?

ROSA. Well, can bring the whity and you’ll live all three! … As a piece of cake!... The young, you see – now they are very grasping, grab housing space with blood…

   …May be, they’ve already registered?...

CLAVDIA. My God… Don’t say this…

ROSA. …So… I know what you have to do… You have to win him back.

CLAVDIA. …But how?...

ROSA. To begin with, do not show that you know something, pretend that nothing’s happened… She has youth, but you have experience. Charm, caress him!... Go back to when you were a young girl… Indulge all his bastard’s caprices… Hold your nose, stick it, suffer!... And don’t forget about the flat, re-register it bit by bit on yourself… To be safe.

       

 

Scene 3

 

Lunch time. Peter Antonov is sitting at the table. The wife is fussing around him.

 

CLAVDIA. Here is, Peter, fresh print media… As you love!... Would you like a pony of brandy, for the appetite?... The best brandy, French… Or may be you’d like some beer, fresh, imported?...

ANTONOV. Do not drink at lunch time, thank you… Unless you had a piece of lemon… Then I’d love half of a pony… Do you have some lemon?

CLAVDIA. Sure!... Of course!... What a brandy is it without a piece of lemon?!... I understand it…

ANTONOV. … Or with caviar?...

CLAVDIA. I have caviar as well!... So, what do you wish?...

ANTONOV. Let it be caviar… And lemon as well…

CLAVDIA. Half a moment!... (She brings a pony of brandy, caviar, lemon)

… Help the soup?...

ANTONOV. What is it today?...

CLAVDIA. Your favorite beet-root soup with croutons and sour-cream… The second course – Oven Baked Mutton, fried chicken… Pates, salmon, different appetizers…

     … Peter!...  I was looking forward to you so much today, so much!... Looked all my eyes over!...

ANTONOV. It’s okay, okay, Clava… Good for you!...

You’re such a pretty little thing today!... (Tenderly pinches her)

CLAVDIA. (Joyfully) Oh, Peter! What’s with you?!.. You make me blush!...

 

Clavdia clears the dishes from the table, goes to the kitchen. Sits down on a chair, very tired. Mops her brow. Listens keenly to how Antonov’s having meal.

 

ANTONOV. Clava!... Clava!...

CLAVDIA. Yes, Peter?...

ANTONOV. There is no horseradish to chicken, isn’t it?...

CLAVDIA. (Perplexed) …Sorry, there is no…

ANTONOV. (Heatedly) My goodness!... What is that?!... Chicken – and no horseradish!... It won’t go down!...

CLAVDIA. I’ll go for it, Peter! I’ll be right back!...

ANTONOV. Too late, Clava!... I’ve eaten my fill!... Fed up!... Thank you for everything, as they say. It is time to go to work.

     (In the hall, severely) … I’ll come late. The inspection.

 

Scene 4

 

Several days went by. It’s morning. Clavdia and Rose are in the kitchen.

 

CLAVDIA. (With tears in her eyes she shows another letter to Rosa) … Read it...

 

ROSA. … My God!... One more?... (Reads) “Dear Madam!...” … Uh huh… Uh huh… “It is in vain if you intend to deter your husband’s delicate heart from the charming blonde by force of your meals and tender sights only. His soul needs more elevated intellectual and erotic delights… Hurry!... Time’s ticking away!...”

… Bastard.

CLAVDIA. It’s all over… I’ll poison myself…

ROSA. Tender sights bore him?!... We’ll make him squirm!... If he doesn’t want to play it soft – we can play it hard.

    … Dress up…     

CLAVDIA. Why?...

ROSA. Come on, come on. The best dress, all jewels what you can find… I can add some of mine… Well… I’ll lend you money. Al the rest – just details… Today we have cultural outing.

First – a beauty parlor, then – a restaurant, and in the evening – a ladies’ night casino with male striptease.

CLAVDIA. …But…

ROSA. Don’t argue. Fight fire with fire. He’s got the bottle blonde, we’ve got strippers and amusements. There men can table hop at will… Throw one sight – and forget about your bonehead for half a year.

    Yeah!... It’s a go!... Don’t be stubborn!... He will lick your boots, pour over your bed with coffee…

   

Scene 5

 

It’s evening. Antonov is hurrying and scurrying about the room. There’s mess all over. Wife is not at home. It’s 1 p.m. Wife is not at home. It’s 2 p.m. It’s 3 p.m. Wife is still not at home. Antonov takes Validol. Rolls over the bed. Then again he walks about the room.

At last, the door is being swung open. Got sozzled good and proper, a cigarette in her mouth, Clavdia is swaying in the doorway.

 

ANTONOV. (Shouts) Where were you?... Where were you?...

CLAVDIA. …Shhh!... (Makes a hiccup) … Stop fussing, boy…

… Yeah… We went on a spree a little… Yeah… First I felt like going with you, but now I don’t.

ANTONOV. (In horror) … Where were you???...

CLAVDIA.  …Oh! Look! Peter!... Undress me, fella!... These goddamn shoes!... What fool offered to pour champagne in them?!... They’ve blistered my heals.

    …Peter!... It was something else! Big time!... We went to ladies’ casino and watched male striptease. You should certainly watcha! If you don’t learn to dance like those boys, I’ll be very disappointed…

    … And now sorry fella!... Your baby wanna sleep like mad!... If somebody knocks and asks Sweet Clava – send them to hell!... I’m sick and tired of them.

 

She falls down on bed and falls asleep. Antonov, horror stricken, looks at his sleeping wife. Then he rushes to the desk and furiously writes a letter.

 

 

Scene 6

 

The kitchen. It’s morning. Rosa and Clavdia are reading another letter.

 

ROSA. (Reading) “It’s all over. Your husband is wounded to the quick!... In a few days he marries the blonde!... You have one last chance left to save the lied away love…”

   … That’s it!... Gone!... Point of no Return!... I have some rat-poison in my medicine-box. Add to his soup. This scoundrel should pay for everything! For every ruined woman’s soul…

 

Clavdia is sitting with her head low, weak and totally pale morning-after.

 

CLAVDIA. …I can’t…

ROSA. Don’t be afraid… I’ll take care of you…

 

Scene 7

 

Sorrowful Antonov is sitting at the dinner-table, all by himself. No wife nearby. Unwillingly he puts some spoons of soup in the plate. Looking into the distance, he snaps off a piece of bred, then spreads it thick with horseradish, that’s now in the kitchen against all the odds.  

 

ANTONOV. …Ah, Clava, Clava… how could you?...

 

Almost with tears he swallows some spoons of soup.

Clavdia and Rosa rush into the room. Clavdia sees the soup and, horrified, freezes up.

 

CLAVDIA. …P-p-p-peter!... H-have you taken my soup???...

ANTONOV. (Sadly) … Yes, I have, Clava… It’s nice… And where were you?...

CLAVDIA. (Weeping) …Pete!!! Darling!... The only one! Forgive me!... Please, forgive me!... I can’t live without you!

     … Pete!!! I follow you, Pete!!!... Follow you!!!...  

 

She gets a vial with the powder remained out of her pocket. She pours it out. She swallows and convulsively washes it down from the water bottle.  

 

ROSA. Good heavens!!!... Killed herself!... My God!...

ANTONOV. …What?.. Clava, what does it mean?... What’s happening?...

 

He switches the vial out of her hands. Tastes it.

 

ANTONOV. …Kind of soda… Baked soda… Have you got heartburn, Clava, or what?...

 

Rosa rushes to Antonov. Also tastes the powder.  

 

ROSA. …Soda… Really… Thank God!... I seemed to get the vials mixed up…

   …Clavochka, my dear! I mixed them up!....

 

Clavdia falls in Antonov’s hands.

 

CLAVDIA. (Through weeps)  Pete!... Don’t leave me!... Darling!!!

ANTONOV. I won’t, Clava!... I would rather die!...

 

They passionately kiss each other. Rosa, looking at them, smiles happily through tears.

 

ROSA. (Crying with happiness) … That’s a dear… Kiss and make friends… After all pangs… God, how happy I am!...

 

THE END